ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen our next comic comes all the way from Brooklyn NY, let's hear it for Eugene!!
[Audience applause]
EUGENE: Hello everyone! My name is Eugene and I'm a comedian! - Silence and coughing sounds - Yes. Okay. Well actually I'm an editor. I also write insult comedy for filmmakers. In fact I just finished a book one and I sent it to my manager to get published so hopefully I don’t have to work two jobs. But, there are many other jobs if you want to work in the film and video business. Let's start with the WRITER.
WRITERS have it really tough in this industry. Let me put it this way, if Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published.
There's the PRODUCER. Film producers plan and coordinate various aspects of the production, such as selecting the script, coordinating writing, and arranging financing. Financing is sometimes a challenge. But if money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
HECKLER: Hey, why don’t you save some money and buy some better jokes?
EUGENE: Then there’s the DIRECTOR. A movie director controls a film's artistic and dramatic aspects and visualizes the screenplay. They also guide the technical crew and actors. The director is involved in choosing the cast, production design, and the creative aspects of filmmaking. They sometimes can be real control freaks. How Many directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. But she wants to do it 10 times and when it’s done everyone thinks her last light bulb was the best one. Unless you're a documentary director. What's the difference between a documentary director and a large pepperoni pizza? A large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four!
HECKLER: Your mom shoots at a 1.4… in bright daylight…with no ND filter!
EUGENE: Let’s talk about the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR or FIRST AD. The "first" is directly responsible to the director and "runs" the floor or set. He has overall AD responsibilities and supervises the second AD. Now he's supposed to assist the director with scheduling and organizing the shoots. The SECOND AD creates the daily call sheets from the production schedule, serves as the "backstage manager", wrangles the actors, etc, which relieves the "first" of these jobs. Which is important because sometimes the first AD has to send that selfie with the director!
HECKLER: You should use autofocus on your jokes!
EUGENE: Now we come to our DP or Director of Photography or Cinematographer. The DP is the chief over the camera and light crews working on a film and is responsible for making artistic and technical decisions related to the image. It's all about having a unique vision for what is to be created, then the DP uses that knowledge of lighting, lenses, and composition order to fulfill that vision. Actually, the reason I showed up late to this gig is because I was out back with a friend of mine who's a DP having a smoke and it took him six hours to light it.
HECKLER: Hey, you add bokeh to the foreground instead of the background you’re so dumb.
EUGENE: Now let's talk about the GAFFER. The gaffer is responsible for managing lighting, including associated resources such as labour, lighting instruments and electrical equipment under the direction of the DP. So the DP depends on the gaffer and the KEY GRIP to implement the design. Unless the gaffer is in a bad mood. What do you say to a grumpy gaffer? Lighten up!
HECKLER: Your mom uses GoPro’s as pasties!
EUGENE: Speaking of the KEY GRIP she supervises all grip crews. The Key Grip coordinates with the electric and camera departments, attends location scouts, prepares required equipment and many other supervisor tasks. The term GRIP originates from the early era of the circus and adapted from the American theater where it was used for a stagehand who helps shift scenery. Grips are the technicians in charge of lifting, rigging and safety on set. How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to hold it, one to hammer it in.
Then there is the SOUND MIXER! Let’s hear it for the SOUND MIXER! See what I did there? The SOUND MIXER is in charge of recording sound.
HECKLER: Yeah, like the sound of crickets chirping. See what I did there?
EUGENE: Can we talk about the DOLLY GRIP. Sometimes the camera needs to move. The DOLLY GRIP is a dedicated technician trained to operate the camera dolly. He places, levels, and moves the dolly track, then pushes and pulls the dolly and usually a first AC and the DP as riders. But their specialty is trying not to run over the director’s foot. Anyone know why the dolly was invented? To teach grips how to walk upright!
HECKLER: I told your mom I was gonna shoot her with my Canon and she called the cops!
EUGENE: There's the PA or PRODUCTION ASSISTANT. Their job is to do a little bit of everything for everyone. From getting coffee, to making script copies to shuttling crew or equipment around town as needed. Even making coffee. In fact, a PA was responsible for what happened to the Titanic. Yeah, the captain asked a PA for some coffee and he served him Sanka!
HECKLER: Your mom’s been a PA for 40 years and still buys unripe fruit for craft service.
EUGENE: You know, you’re not being very nice, dude.
HECKLER: Neither is the gastrointestinal distress you get from unripe fruit.
EUGENE: Maybe you want to be a CAMERA OPERATOR whose job is to physically operate the camera and maintain composition and camera angles throughout the shot. The ASSISTANT CAMERA operator or FIRST AC is also called the FOCUS PULLER. They’re tasked with maintaining the image sharpness on the subject being filmed. It’s one of those jobs that if they do it well, they never get noticed. But if they do it wrong, the shot is ruined. Wrecked.
HECKLER: Sorta like your career after this set.
EUGENE: Well, my time is almost up, but I just want to mention the PROP MASTER, HAIR & MAKEUP people and WARDROBE. They all have a part in creating a film.
Let's not forget about the EDITOR. It all comes down to the edit, right? Well, the EDITOR simply wants to edit. That's it. What's the best way to piss off an editor? Give him a job.
[ Eugene suddenly gets a text message in the middle of his stand-up ]
EUGENE: Wow, I just got a text. My insult comedy book is going to be published!
HECKLER: Great, so now maybe you can go back to your day job.
EUGENE: HEY! I’m sick of you constantly interrupting my routine. Who are you?
HECKLER: I’m the publisher who just bought your insult joke book. It really works. Good job.
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